Heartless!

*this one is from 20 February 2013*

Who am I?
That’s one secret I will never tell…

No one (trust me when I say that) knows who I really am. It is also true that I will never tell anybody who I really am. But secretly in my heart of hearts I wish that someone someday will understand who I really am. That is a day I am waiting to die for.

I know this sounds like crying for attention & it’s nothing like my usual blog posts. However, it is something that is coming directly from my mind. Strictly no heart involved.

How many times is it that your biggest turn off faces you right ahead & you can’t really do anything about it. Not that your mind freezes or you get physically paralysed. It is just that you suppress your anger & emotions to maintain your social standing. It is your mind calculating the opportunity cost & deciding it is not worth pursuing. So you let the dog bark.

For me the biggest turn off is hypocrisy. I hate it when people say something & their actions (previous, current or future) suggest differently. I fail to understand why can’t people say exactly what it is. Why is it that they have to play pretend?

Then I think about me saying things exactly as I think & exactly as they are. This is where the disconnect is. I am part of a bigger game called PRETEND where everybody pretends to be someone else & the others try to interpret their pretend to understand who they really are. Everybody around me is playing the game. It is just that since I do not know how to play the game I am just plainly simply myself that it confuses the people around me. They try to interpret me, come to a conclusion & then I do something that entirely blows up their conclusion. So now they have tagged me as a weird psychotic case. They are all ganging up to throw me off the game. Now here’s the catch – I don’t have to think & play pretend so I get time to observe. Since everybody around me is PRETENDING & their pretends seem to be motivated by similar accelerants I am able to figure out a lot of psyches. Me being me, I don’t take advantage of that of course but I do take pride in knowing what’s going behind other people’s head. At times I even relish in their misery – it’s my own form of revenge 😉

Yes, I did say revenge. After all I always say – I am an angel by heart & a devil by mind. That is just how my mind works.

suhaaan