Cleaning out my closet

*In response to Daily Prompt: Clean House*

 

The first time I heard the song ‘cleaning out my closet’ by Eminem, I was curious if someone could speak out to the world about the skeletons in their closet. Now, I have matured over the years and understand that it is very important to let go of those skeletons every now and then by showing them off to the world around you and then MOVE ON.

Move on…a phrase used ever so commonly in life today but I think, it is one of the most meaningful ones as well. We are by nature selfish beings. Our survival is of primal importance. And to survive, moving on is the key.

I have moved on in my life more times than I can remember and shall continue with the tradition by cleaning out my closet every now and then.

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I will survive!

*back from May 2012*

 

I love you! You say

Then why don’t I feel the love oozing from you when you are around?

You say you are all in

But I don’t feel it.

Am I a fool?

Ever wondered I have been taking care of myself for way too long now

I would like to be taken care of for a change.

I am a strong person I know.

But every now & then I like to be free.

Everyone has ambitions, I know you have them too

If I am there for you all through it

Then who will be there for me when I need it?

I don’t see you putting your life on hold for me.

You are sorry! You say

But ask yourself, are you?

Not really! Right?

I know…& you know what?

I get it

I am ready for you…while you are not.

It is fine.

I will survive!

Revisiting college!

Today was one of those days when I was surprised by the fact that how quickly we move on in life.

There was a time when I spent close to 5-6 hours every day in my wonderful college. Those three years though definitely not the best years of my life (the best were my last four years in school) hold a special place in my heart.

However the special place is now only in my heart. Slowly, gradually and with a fe intentionally I have lost touch wit all my college friends barring a couple with whom I talk only on their birthdays. I have lost contacts with the teaches there. I have lost my college life in short. The worst part – I do not miss it.

I went back there today to pick up my graduation degree (after three long years they finally managed to give it to us; we did not even expect a convocation this late :() and I felt nothing. It was all business. Go there, pick it up, chat with a few known people and hurry back a friend is waiting to meet you.

The emotionlessness is what bothers me. Am I such a detached being that I have moved on without any relent or is it normal for people to do so?

Private Speaking!

In response to *Daily Prompt: Naked with Black Socks*

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“Suhani, read out this piece of news to the assembly.”

That was Mrs. Kamal’s voice above me in junior assembly and I obediently went up the stairs on to the stage and read out the news. That is how it all started, I must have been in first grade. It was a simple task. Go up and read out the news. I did and that was it.

As you must have guessed by now, I never gave a second thought to it.

It was when I grew up, I think I was in seventh grade when we had a workshop on Public Speaking and I realised that this was a major issue with some kids. They got scared on stage as so many people were looking at them. It never occurred to me that way. For me it was simple, people assemble to listen and who so ever is on stage speaks. So whenever I was asked to go up on stage and speak, I simply spoke.

I follow this really nice blog called The Daily Post and when they came up with the topic of Public speaking, I simply had to write about it. Not to brag, how great I am at it and how I continued in the glory (that is for another time) but to point out about another issue that people can face. Private speaking!

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You can call this Private conversations as well. I face this issue. Even though I am great at speaking in front of an audience. I can not handle private conversations. Whenever, I have to face someone and talk to them eye to eye, I lose it. I prefer writing it to them in texts or emails.

I don’t know where all my courage goes then. I have thought about it a couple of times and I think it is because I have a fear of judgements. People around me are always judging and it freaks me out. In public I have the solace that these people do not know me (that is my defence against their judgements). While in private, it is my friends and family – how do I escape their judgements?

Do any of you ever face an issue like this?

Love Story!

*back from some time in 2011*

Been a loner too long

Life now feels like a solitary confinement

It is sad on my part

But I long for a companion

The man of my dreams

Haha, the man of my dreams!

He is no one special

And he is no one ordinary

He is just the best thing yet to happen to me

His dreams are my life

He himself will be my life

I don’t know what I would mean to him

But I would like to believe, I mean the world to him

He is just somewhere

Lost in the crowd

Trying to figure out his way to me

While I just wait here

In the corner somewhere

Waiting for him to bump into me

Look into my eyes and never turn back

Ah, nice imagination!

But I know something

God does not fantacize

He creates our fantacies

So one day, some day

When I feel miserable and am in a bad shape

He will have me dress up

Make me look beautiful but sad

And then somewhere at some place

I will fall right into the arms of the love of my life

It’s a nice story

But I know it will turn real

Some day, one day when I feel miserable

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From the movie – August Rush

3 AM

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It’s 3 AM and I am still awake.
It is not the first time and definitely not the last.
I was working and enjoying and helping.
All at once.

And now I am falling asleep.
So you see it’s not insomnia.
I am awake by choice
Rather in need.

It’s Ganesh Chaturthi and Ganpati ji is at my cousins place.
Supposedly we have to stay awake and give him company all day and all night
Since I had to do some of my magazine related work I volunteered to stay awake and here I am left alone.
I had a long nice chat with my cousins and it was fun.
I helped a friend prepare something for his work.
I finished my magazine work.
And now everyone is asleep.
I could wake one of my cousins up but they have been at it all day. They are tired and deserve a few hours of rest.

Let them enjoy the peace before the wind of exertion coming their way in the morning.

And I will pass my time in exploring stuff.
Just like this post. I posted this just to know how does it look like of you post a blog from your phone.

Good night world!

suhaaan

‘Suhana safar aur yeh mausam haseen’

suhana safar aur yeh mausam haseen

humein dar hai hum kho na jayein kahin

*in response to Daily Post*

What’s in a name?

I say…EVERYTHING!

My name is Suhani and this is the story of my name.

I am born and brought up in India, a nation where a kid is named several days after his/her birth.

The name keeping ceremony [Yes, it is a proper ceremony] includes a Pundit (read astrologer) reading your birth chart and identifying an initial that shall suit the child’s grahas (planets governing the child’s future).

Mine was S. After considering several options my Mama (maternal uncle) came up with my name – Suhani – meaning pleasant.

Where my father liked it in the first instance, my mother detested it. She thought it was weird to name her daughter Suhani as she had never heard this word ever being used as a name.

While my mother got used to my name and eventually got fond of it. I was facing issues at school 😐

Poor me. My parents had chosen such an uncommon name for me that everybody who heard it thought me being a kid I was just mispronouncing my own name and took it as Shivani – a very common name in India. When I was just getting used to people calling me Shivani at school, I realised in conversations amongst the elders at my house that my name was unique and had a really nice sound to it – Suhani…wow. This lead me to learn what my name actually meant.

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A still from the song ‘suhana safar…’

So now the responsibility came unto me to correct everyone who pronounced my name wrong. I often used reference to the very popular song suhana safar (pleasant journey) and hence started my journey of falling in love with my name.

I not just did fall in love with the pleasantness of my name, I became proud of its uniqueness. On the day when a distant relative named their daughter Suhani after me – I was offended. I literally went up to her and asked “why did you keep her name Suhani? My name will become common!”

This was innocent anger; but I would lie if I said I wasn’t happy on the day I got to know that a Pundit had stated to her that the kid was getting sick over and over again because her name did not suit her, which lead to the change of name of the kid from Suhani to Shivani.

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Shah Rukh with daughter Suhana and son Aryan

After a few more years – Shah Rukh Khan – the king of Bollywood, named his daughter Suhana. and that day was the end of uniqueness for me 😦 I hate it but today there are a lot of girls named Suhana/Suhani.

All this does not change the fact that I fell in love with my name and am still in love with it. Suhani has a certain ring to it that it brings a smile on the face of the person who takes the name. Just like its meaning it spreads pleasantness around. And it certainly does help keep negative thoughts at bay and keeps my positive.

I wish I would come up with such a pleasant name for my kid when its time. For now, I am content after naming one of my niece – Tiara (A jewelled ornamental band worn on the front of a woman’s hair)

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Tiara

suhaaan

Fresh cream!

*back from 13 June 2012*

 

In the creamy layers of life

There will be a time

Your sweet tooth becomes sour.

In this test of time

The cream now suffocates you.

The lumps

The lumps require to be removed.

The sugar should be separated

Kept away from house keeping

It is too precious to be messed up.

The sugar shall wait

Gradually understanding

They are not being ignored

Just being protected.

 

In this wait

You come to terms

Not with life

With what life has taught you.

The change in you

Accept. Ease in. Get comfortable.

 

The sugar shall still wait.

When you are positive

When you are confident

This was all for the best.

It is your job

Hug back the sugar in your life

Make fresh cream!

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