Who am I?

My name is Suhani, a fitting name I believe.

I know who my parents are, I live with them.

I know who my siblings are, I love them and they love me.

I know which roots I come from – faith and belief.

I know who my friends are, they have stood the test of time and effort.

I know that my parents hate my guts. They think I am fixated and stubborn. They think I am ruining my life. They want me to follow their footsteps; get married, settle down, have kids and finish my life.

I know my siblings love me without judgements. They might not agree with me and my decisions but they let go. They are there for me.

I know what my friends think of me. They think I am bold and can face challenges easily. They think I am clear headed and opinionated. They think I have too much ambition. They think I am logical, pragmatic and practical in my approach and decisions. So, they think I don’t understand what they are and the pain that they go through.

I believe I understand how strangers look at me and perceive me as someone who is independent with a ‘I give a damn’ attitude. They don’t like me but they are intrigued as to who am I? They like the confidence in my walk but it also freaks them out.

To sum it up, I know who am I in the traditional sense because I know what people think I am.

But do I know who am I? NO.

No, I do not know who am I because what my parents see me as is only because I want them to let me make my own decisions. I don’t defy them because that is who I am. I defy them because if I don’t I will have to live their life which is definitely not me.

No, I do not know who I am because what my friends think to be my strength is actually a wall. Yes, I use my brains more than my emotional side but that is because I am afraid to loose it all to emotion and be pathetic like so many others. In reality I am scared, very scared to be ‘anybody’. I don’t want to be an ‘anybody’.

No, I do not know who I am because the strangers who see my independence do not see how I long for someone to take care of me. When they see my confidence, they miss the flaw it is hiding.

Then who am I?

I am someone who wanted to be journalist, but that ship has long sailed.

I am someone who could have been a lawyer, but I did not have enough confidence in myself to pursue it. I still don’t.

I am someone who wants to be a writer. I used to write more often. I used to write better than I do now. I am struggling with my writing for a long time now. It is still a long journey and a distant dream which I may or may not realise.

I am someone with insecurity issues. I fear losing what I have and prefer death over it at times.

I am someone whom death doesn’t scare. I struggle with my issues and come back rising.

I am someone who needs to be somebody because being ‘anybody’ is a huge identity crisis.

I am someone who can not live with an identity crisis.

I am someone who is afraid to pour her heart out to anyone. Writing about it helps.

I am someone who is trying to open up with the help of writing.

I am someone whose life has been more or less an open book but who herself has been more of a closed book, sealed from cover to cover.

I am someone who is gathering courage with every passing day to force open that book page by page.

I am someone trying to become more than who I currently am.

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Unexpected Guests

This post is in response to todays *Daily Prompt*

The unexpected guest. I should start this post by mentioning that I am an Indian who has lived in India all her life and unexpected guests are very common here. There have been innumerable occasions when I have walked into my house and have seen guests sitting there in the living room; expecting me to be the ideal host and leave everything aside to entertain them.  The *atithi devo bhava* [Guest is equivalent to God] saying is taken a little too seriously in our culture. You would not believe it but I have had unexpected guests over and they have been welcomed to stay the night by my parents right in the middle of exam season. To top this, since my family is a joint one [our Grandparents stay with us] we are short on a guest room and I have been kicked out of my room to study and sleep on the on the living room couch while the guests can stay comfortably in my room. Lord knows how I survived during those days.

However, since I am all grown up and sensible I detest unexpected guests and make it a point that I do not make undue sacrifices for them. Everyone needs to understand that the other person cannot and should not put his/her life on hold just because you decided to show up unexpected.

Grow up people…you are not kids anymore!

Español

PROJEKTINLOGO

Todo el mundo pregunta a mi que por qué yo decidí a aprender español. Yo siempre dije porque es una lengua que se habla en mas países de el mundo que otras. La verdad es que me gusta la idea que yo hablaré mas de dos lenguas y cuando elegí tercera lengua para hablar – español era más fácil y la lengua usó en unas películas de Hollywood.

Ahora, me encanta que yo elegí español porque estoy en amor de España. ¡Es muy bonita!

PROJEKTINLOGO

Confusion

Confusion is a persons worst enemy. I realised this two years back when for the first time in my life I was confused and irritated that  I was confused. I barely managed to sort that out or should I say my first decision sorted that out for me making me realise that it was the wrong one. It was hard from there as the decision I had let go off was not very forgiving in the initial days. However, the point being it was during those days that I had come face to face with the fact that being confused can ruin your life.

The worse part is that I have been followed by confusion ever since. Even today I am confused, this time about life in general. I am a person who has always known what I want to do next. Or there has been something or the other going on  in my mind that I have to pick up next. It is a sad thing that I have lost purpose in my life. I do not know what I want to do next. I have lost insight. I have lost my passions. I have lost the will to pursue my passions.

Most of all I have lost my writing.

It is not that I have not been writing. In the past six months or so, I have been trying. I wrote a few lines and then I thought I moving away from the topic and so scrapped it. I wrote things a couple of times but not anything great. Today when I write, I write about how I have lost my life, my passion and my writing. I do not call this writing. I call this letting go. I have come to terms with the fact that I have got no inspiration. I need to inspire myself. How I am going to do that is something I am still trying to figure out. Though I know I will overcome this and soon. I say so because I know what is keeping me from letting my heart out and I don’t want to keep everything inside. I need to damn the world and concentrate on me. I am and should be the most important person in my life. I will work on it and will be stronger.

I feel lighter now, after long time…

Thanks PP for motivating me to write what I feel, because that is what I did today.

I feel like writing today!

It has been a hell lot of time since I wrote something. Today, I feel like writing but I am not inspired enough. I do not have a topic and I am in a mood of self loathing. There are so many things I enjoy doing and lately I have been doing nothing.

I finally took a decision last night. To quit something which was taking a bit of my time so I could concentrate that time on things I love to do. I am going to start with reading a book for a change. I feel like it has been ages since I read my last book. Well, it has only been an year I guess, but it has been a long year. There are like a dozen books in my closet that I bought to read in the last two years and I have only read a couple of them. Why? I don’t know I did not have the time lately. I know it is stupid but I think I need to learn more stuff. Language related stuff. There is so much out there and I know only a fraction of what I should.

The challenge here is that I can not finance my learning needs without a job. So I work, and right now that work is degrading me. I am surrounded by people who only put half their functional minds to use. But what can I do? I can not inject knowledge into people. They have to open their minds wide and use the mind like crazy.

Well, let’s return to my self loathing for now. All I need to do at the moment is get out of the country for good. I have hope but I do not know where that is taking me.

I just looked at the clock and realised I need to get back and study. I have a Spanish exam over the weekend and this time I don’t know my shit. It is going to be scary.

¡Buenas noches chicos y chicas!

Long time…No see!

Long time…no see…huh!

I wonder who came up with this funny line/quote/saying/ phrase (what do we call it?). It makes no sense grammatically and it is totally misused in texts and chats. However, I am no going to blabber about the phrase (let’s just call it that) itself. I am going to talk about the syndrome.

I am suffering from the ‘long time…no see’ syndrome s far as this blog is concerned.

I have been away for long…way too long and it’s all my laziness’s fault. [For the record – I am a very busy girl (I have three a full time job that I have to concentrate on weekdays; I am taking Spanish classes on weekends; and lastly I have this amazing online magazine – http://taleportmagazine.com – that I have to run all through the week after I finish with the first two along with a few of my friends and now partners) so I should be allowed that wee bit of laziness.] Here with his blog post I wanted to come back to the writing scene but as any person suffering from the ‘long time…no see syndrome’ I was simply at a loss of words.

Since I did not what to write about, I thought I’d just start with this random post about the oh so common disease. Have you ever been in a situation where you have been at a loss of words simply because you haven’t spoken to the person in a long time? I’d love to hear all about it. Comments awaited 🙂

Miss you!

When you are around
The world is quite alright

When you are away
It just doesn’t seem right

How about the next time you go away
You take me along on your way

Crazy as I might sound
I am pretty obsessed with you right now

There is a pretty face who is waiting for you here
So why don’t you pick that call & talk to her

Lovesick!

*back from 2007*

 

From bed she rose up

Dressed herself up

Kissed my forehead

Forehead?

She wanted to go!

She was serious when she said

Said she was moving on

I was left dazed by the words

“I hope u take it well”

By reflex I spoke up

“I love u no doubt

I’ll always do, without a doubt

You want to go, I won’t stop you

If you want to stay, I’ll embrace you

Always will you remain in my heart

My heart will shelter you, protect you till it pumps and later too

My love, my blessings, my shadow will be with you till I live and after I die

My intensity of love is beyond measure

I do not wish to explain

Read my eyes you’ll have it all”

She didn’t look up

Her eyes threw up

‘I am SORRY’ she finally uttered

I kept looking at her

Never in life so fucked up/motionless

Saw her running away, away, away

She was GONE. GONE forever

My heart is bleeding

Emotions gushing out like prisoners of Central Jail

Sorrow is condensing, joy evaporating

Smitten by the leach of isolation

Here I am walking on the deserted avenue

Trying to figure out the answers

Answers to questions I do not comprehend

All this to fill the vaccum

Vaccum that makes me squall

My soul is starving

My situation fathomless

When I walk, I walk till I collapse

When I think, I think till my mind rots

I don’t sleep, for the fear of sleeping to death

I ain’t willing to die but there seems no escape

I succumb to my seclusion

I have accepted my defeat though

I don’t have the guts to face it

I begin to run, run, run, run, run

There is a jolt in my body

Mind dashed unable to open my eyes

I collapse for the last time in my life

Lying face down, struggling to breath, I…..

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