Confusion

Confusion is a persons worst enemy. I realised this two years back when for the first time in my life I was confused and irritated that  I was confused. I barely managed to sort that out or should I say my first decision sorted that out for me making me realise that it was the wrong one. It was hard from there as the decision I had let go off was not very forgiving in the initial days. However, the point being it was during those days that I had come face to face with the fact that being confused can ruin your life.

The worse part is that I have been followed by confusion ever since. Even today I am confused, this time about life in general. I am a person who has always known what I want to do next. Or there has been something or the other going on  in my mind that I have to pick up next. It is a sad thing that I have lost purpose in my life. I do not know what I want to do next. I have lost insight. I have lost my passions. I have lost the will to pursue my passions.

Most of all I have lost my writing.

It is not that I have not been writing. In the past six months or so, I have been trying. I wrote a few lines and then I thought I moving away from the topic and so scrapped it. I wrote things a couple of times but not anything great. Today when I write, I write about how I have lost my life, my passion and my writing. I do not call this writing. I call this letting go. I have come to terms with the fact that I have got no inspiration. I need to inspire myself. How I am going to do that is something I am still trying to figure out. Though I know I will overcome this and soon. I say so because I know what is keeping me from letting my heart out and I don’t want to keep everything inside. I need to damn the world and concentrate on me. I am and should be the most important person in my life. I will work on it and will be stronger.

I feel lighter now, after long time…

Thanks PP for motivating me to write what I feel, because that is what I did today.

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I feel like writing today!

It has been a hell lot of time since I wrote something. Today, I feel like writing but I am not inspired enough. I do not have a topic and I am in a mood of self loathing. There are so many things I enjoy doing and lately I have been doing nothing.

I finally took a decision last night. To quit something which was taking a bit of my time so I could concentrate that time on things I love to do. I am going to start with reading a book for a change. I feel like it has been ages since I read my last book. Well, it has only been an year I guess, but it has been a long year. There are like a dozen books in my closet that I bought to read in the last two years and I have only read a couple of them. Why? I don’t know I did not have the time lately. I know it is stupid but I think I need to learn more stuff. Language related stuff. There is so much out there and I know only a fraction of what I should.

The challenge here is that I can not finance my learning needs without a job. So I work, and right now that work is degrading me. I am surrounded by people who only put half their functional minds to use. But what can I do? I can not inject knowledge into people. They have to open their minds wide and use the mind like crazy.

Well, let’s return to my self loathing for now. All I need to do at the moment is get out of the country for good. I have hope but I do not know where that is taking me.

I just looked at the clock and realised I need to get back and study. I have a Spanish exam over the weekend and this time I don’t know my shit. It is going to be scary.

¡Buenas noches chicos y chicas!

Long time…No see!

Long time…no see…huh!

I wonder who came up with this funny line/quote/saying/ phrase (what do we call it?). It makes no sense grammatically and it is totally misused in texts and chats. However, I am no going to blabber about the phrase (let’s just call it that) itself. I am going to talk about the syndrome.

I am suffering from the ‘long time…no see’ syndrome s far as this blog is concerned.

I have been away for long…way too long and it’s all my laziness’s fault. [For the record – I am a very busy girl (I have three a full time job that I have to concentrate on weekdays; I am taking Spanish classes on weekends; and lastly I have this amazing online magazine – http://taleportmagazine.com – that I have to run all through the week after I finish with the first two along with a few of my friends and now partners) so I should be allowed that wee bit of laziness.] Here with his blog post I wanted to come back to the writing scene but as any person suffering from the ‘long time…no see syndrome’ I was simply at a loss of words.

Since I did not what to write about, I thought I’d just start with this random post about the oh so common disease. Have you ever been in a situation where you have been at a loss of words simply because you haven’t spoken to the person in a long time? I’d love to hear all about it. Comments awaited 🙂

Cleaning out my closet

*In response to Daily Prompt: Clean House*

 

The first time I heard the song ‘cleaning out my closet’ by Eminem, I was curious if someone could speak out to the world about the skeletons in their closet. Now, I have matured over the years and understand that it is very important to let go of those skeletons every now and then by showing them off to the world around you and then MOVE ON.

Move on…a phrase used ever so commonly in life today but I think, it is one of the most meaningful ones as well. We are by nature selfish beings. Our survival is of primal importance. And to survive, moving on is the key.

I have moved on in my life more times than I can remember and shall continue with the tradition by cleaning out my closet every now and then.

Revisiting college!

Today was one of those days when I was surprised by the fact that how quickly we move on in life.

There was a time when I spent close to 5-6 hours every day in my wonderful college. Those three years though definitely not the best years of my life (the best were my last four years in school) hold a special place in my heart.

However the special place is now only in my heart. Slowly, gradually and with a fe intentionally I have lost touch wit all my college friends barring a couple with whom I talk only on their birthdays. I have lost contacts with the teaches there. I have lost my college life in short. The worst part – I do not miss it.

I went back there today to pick up my graduation degree (after three long years they finally managed to give it to us; we did not even expect a convocation this late :() and I felt nothing. It was all business. Go there, pick it up, chat with a few known people and hurry back a friend is waiting to meet you.

The emotionlessness is what bothers me. Am I such a detached being that I have moved on without any relent or is it normal for people to do so?

Private Speaking!

In response to *Daily Prompt: Naked with Black Socks*

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“Suhani, read out this piece of news to the assembly.”

That was Mrs. Kamal’s voice above me in junior assembly and I obediently went up the stairs on to the stage and read out the news. That is how it all started, I must have been in first grade. It was a simple task. Go up and read out the news. I did and that was it.

As you must have guessed by now, I never gave a second thought to it.

It was when I grew up, I think I was in seventh grade when we had a workshop on Public Speaking and I realised that this was a major issue with some kids. They got scared on stage as so many people were looking at them. It never occurred to me that way. For me it was simple, people assemble to listen and who so ever is on stage speaks. So whenever I was asked to go up on stage and speak, I simply spoke.

I follow this really nice blog called The Daily Post and when they came up with the topic of Public speaking, I simply had to write about it. Not to brag, how great I am at it and how I continued in the glory (that is for another time) but to point out about another issue that people can face. Private speaking!

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You can call this Private conversations as well. I face this issue. Even though I am great at speaking in front of an audience. I can not handle private conversations. Whenever, I have to face someone and talk to them eye to eye, I lose it. I prefer writing it to them in texts or emails.

I don’t know where all my courage goes then. I have thought about it a couple of times and I think it is because I have a fear of judgements. People around me are always judging and it freaks me out. In public I have the solace that these people do not know me (that is my defence against their judgements). While in private, it is my friends and family – how do I escape their judgements?

Do any of you ever face an issue like this?

Love Story!

*back from some time in 2011*

Been a loner too long

Life now feels like a solitary confinement

It is sad on my part

But I long for a companion

The man of my dreams

Haha, the man of my dreams!

He is no one special

And he is no one ordinary

He is just the best thing yet to happen to me

His dreams are my life

He himself will be my life

I don’t know what I would mean to him

But I would like to believe, I mean the world to him

He is just somewhere

Lost in the crowd

Trying to figure out his way to me

While I just wait here

In the corner somewhere

Waiting for him to bump into me

Look into my eyes and never turn back

Ah, nice imagination!

But I know something

God does not fantacize

He creates our fantacies

So one day, some day

When I feel miserable and am in a bad shape

He will have me dress up

Make me look beautiful but sad

And then somewhere at some place

I will fall right into the arms of the love of my life

It’s a nice story

But I know it will turn real

Some day, one day when I feel miserable

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From the movie – August Rush

random stuff that is not going on in my life

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