Category Archives: feature

For all the haters out there

Here’s asking you guys to become lovers…It’s a much happier place to be in.

 

So I know I am writing after forever but I think this has been long coming. The trigger were the recent trolls on India celebrating a meagre 2  medals in their Olympic performance.

While hey all you haters (soon to be lovers) out there…I agree to all that you have to sell. I know it isn’t the best of the performances if you compare it with  US or UK or even Cuba or North Korea. What the heck it wasn’t one of our own best performances.

But what the heck, instead of sulking at how all our medal hopes were destroyed by Abhinav Bindra, Gaga Narang and Sania Nehwal; we chose to celebrate our presence in sports we haven’t traditionally done very well.

We have been participating in every Olympics Games since 1920 and have only managed a total of 28 medals (9 Golds, 7 Silvers and 12 Bronze). Of which 5 are pre-independence and 6 came in 2012 at London. So we have always been in a sorry state with overall Olympic performances

What we celebrated this time around was this;

  • It was India’s second medal in Badminton this time. It was a better performance than the last (Silver to the Bronze Sania won in London).
  • This year we saw the first Indian woman to win something in Wrestling.
  • Dipa became the first female gymnast from India to qualify in Olympics – on top of which she ranked 4th
  • Dipa also became only the 5th woman in the WORLD to have successfully completed the Produnova

So you see, we had a lot to celebrate. Also, yes we realise our sports facilities are not that great which lead to poor performances but we chose to be inspired to change the situation by performances such as that of Dipa, Pusarla (PV Sindhu) and Sakshi.

We just refuse to bow down and say we lost because we can’t lose until our spirit is alive and let me have you in on a secret – the word is our spirit is not just alive it’s burning strong and high.

Until next time!

¡Hasta la proxima!

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Hero – My Hero

“Now that serve that he just hit is called an ace. He, Roger is a master of aces. It is basically the kind of serve in which the ball hits the court in a way that makes it impossible for the opponent to return. The more you watch, you will understand.” It was Federer vs Nadal, French Open 2007. I just happened to be there and ask my uncle a question that had been bothering me for an year now. How the hell is tennis played?

It had all started when one of my tuition teachers was disappointed due to a rain delay at a crucial time in a match and was cribbing to us how he would have liked to see it finish but for the class he had scheduled with us, he could not wait for the rain to end and the match to resume. That is the day when I had first asked this question. My teacher tried to explain it to me but I think since there wasn’t an example game playing in front of me, I did not understand. I especially did not understand the way the scoring was done. Since then, I had asked this question to quite a few people. However, due to the lack of interest of the people around me in any sport but Cricket I never got an answer.

This was the day, I got all my answers. I not just got all my answers but I also became a fan of Rafa Nadal. I have always felt a connection with him. Unlike Roger who plays smart, Rafa is a player who plays hard. It is clear, Roger is more talented than Rafa; but what makes Rafa special is his never say never attitude.  This is also the reason that Rafa stands a chance of being the greatest tennis player in history. Inshallah (if God wills it) Rafa will soon surpass the grand slam title count of 17 that Roger currently has.

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My copy of RAFA – My Story

I have grown as a fan of Rafa over the years. My dedication to him was so evident that in 2011 one of my closest friends gifted me the recently launched book ‘Rafa – My Story’ on my birthday. Due to my fear of biographies (I always feared that they will bore me and I will leave it in turn effecting my stature as a fan) I had not come to reading it until two weeks back.

Now that I have read it. I must congratulate Rafa’s parents on being such great parents. I hope and wish I become such a parent some day. It was only fitting for the upbringing they gave to Rafa that he become special. I would disagree with Toni Nadal (Rafa’s uncle and coach) when he says to Rafa ‘you are not special because of who you are, but because of what you do’. I would disagree because the Rafa’s upbringing and humility makes him special for who he. I, who have not achieved a thing in the world is not as grounded as Rafa is. Reading Rafa my story was a delight and it was as inspiring as it could be. Thank You Rafa for being my inspiration. I have never had a role model or inspiration to look up until I read about your life. You are a Hero. My Hero.

Rafa
My Hero – Rafael ‘Rafa’ Nadal

Who am I?

My name is Suhani, a fitting name I believe.

I know who my parents are, I live with them.

I know who my siblings are, I love them and they love me.

I know which roots I come from – faith and belief.

I know who my friends are, they have stood the test of time and effort.

I know that my parents hate my guts. They think I am fixated and stubborn. They think I am ruining my life. They want me to follow their footsteps; get married, settle down, have kids and finish my life.

I know my siblings love me without judgements. They might not agree with me and my decisions but they let go. They are there for me.

I know what my friends think of me. They think I am bold and can face challenges easily. They think I am clear headed and opinionated. They think I have too much ambition. They think I am logical, pragmatic and practical in my approach and decisions. So, they think I don’t understand what they are and the pain that they go through.

I believe I understand how strangers look at me and perceive me as someone who is independent with a ‘I give a damn’ attitude. They don’t like me but they are intrigued as to who am I? They like the confidence in my walk but it also freaks them out.

To sum it up, I know who am I in the traditional sense because I know what people think I am.

But do I know who am I? NO.

No, I do not know who am I because what my parents see me as is only because I want them to let me make my own decisions. I don’t defy them because that is who I am. I defy them because if I don’t I will have to live their life which is definitely not me.

No, I do not know who I am because what my friends think to be my strength is actually a wall. Yes, I use my brains more than my emotional side but that is because I am afraid to loose it all to emotion and be pathetic like so many others. In reality I am scared, very scared to be ‘anybody’. I don’t want to be an ‘anybody’.

No, I do not know who I am because the strangers who see my independence do not see how I long for someone to take care of me. When they see my confidence, they miss the flaw it is hiding.

Then who am I?

I am someone who wanted to be journalist, but that ship has long sailed.

I am someone who could have been a lawyer, but I did not have enough confidence in myself to pursue it. I still don’t.

I am someone who wants to be a writer. I used to write more often. I used to write better than I do now. I am struggling with my writing for a long time now. It is still a long journey and a distant dream which I may or may not realise.

I am someone with insecurity issues. I fear losing what I have and prefer death over it at times.

I am someone whom death doesn’t scare. I struggle with my issues and come back rising.

I am someone who needs to be somebody because being ‘anybody’ is a huge identity crisis.

I am someone who can not live with an identity crisis.

I am someone who is afraid to pour her heart out to anyone. Writing about it helps.

I am someone who is trying to open up with the help of writing.

I am someone whose life has been more or less an open book but who herself has been more of a closed book, sealed from cover to cover.

I am someone who is gathering courage with every passing day to force open that book page by page.

I am someone trying to become more than who I currently am.

I feel like writing today!

It has been a hell lot of time since I wrote something. Today, I feel like writing but I am not inspired enough. I do not have a topic and I am in a mood of self loathing. There are so many things I enjoy doing and lately I have been doing nothing.

I finally took a decision last night. To quit something which was taking a bit of my time so I could concentrate that time on things I love to do. I am going to start with reading a book for a change. I feel like it has been ages since I read my last book. Well, it has only been an year I guess, but it has been a long year. There are like a dozen books in my closet that I bought to read in the last two years and I have only read a couple of them. Why? I don’t know I did not have the time lately. I know it is stupid but I think I need to learn more stuff. Language related stuff. There is so much out there and I know only a fraction of what I should.

The challenge here is that I can not finance my learning needs without a job. So I work, and right now that work is degrading me. I am surrounded by people who only put half their functional minds to use. But what can I do? I can not inject knowledge into people. They have to open their minds wide and use the mind like crazy.

Well, let’s return to my self loathing for now. All I need to do at the moment is get out of the country for good. I have hope but I do not know where that is taking me.

I just looked at the clock and realised I need to get back and study. I have a Spanish exam over the weekend and this time I don’t know my shit. It is going to be scary.

¡Buenas noches chicos y chicas!

Lovesick!

*back from 2007*

 

From bed she rose up

Dressed herself up

Kissed my forehead

Forehead?

She wanted to go!

She was serious when she said

Said she was moving on

I was left dazed by the words

“I hope u take it well”

By reflex I spoke up

“I love u no doubt

I’ll always do, without a doubt

You want to go, I won’t stop you

If you want to stay, I’ll embrace you

Always will you remain in my heart

My heart will shelter you, protect you till it pumps and later too

My love, my blessings, my shadow will be with you till I live and after I die

My intensity of love is beyond measure

I do not wish to explain

Read my eyes you’ll have it all”

She didn’t look up

Her eyes threw up

‘I am SORRY’ she finally uttered

I kept looking at her

Never in life so fucked up/motionless

Saw her running away, away, away

She was GONE. GONE forever

My heart is bleeding

Emotions gushing out like prisoners of Central Jail

Sorrow is condensing, joy evaporating

Smitten by the leach of isolation

Here I am walking on the deserted avenue

Trying to figure out the answers

Answers to questions I do not comprehend

All this to fill the vaccum

Vaccum that makes me squall

My soul is starving

My situation fathomless

When I walk, I walk till I collapse

When I think, I think till my mind rots

I don’t sleep, for the fear of sleeping to death

I ain’t willing to die but there seems no escape

I succumb to my seclusion

I have accepted my defeat though

I don’t have the guts to face it

I begin to run, run, run, run, run

There is a jolt in my body

Mind dashed unable to open my eyes

I collapse for the last time in my life

Lying face down, struggling to breath, I…..

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I will survive!

*back from May 2012*

 

I love you! You say

Then why don’t I feel the love oozing from you when you are around?

You say you are all in

But I don’t feel it.

Am I a fool?

Ever wondered I have been taking care of myself for way too long now

I would like to be taken care of for a change.

I am a strong person I know.

But every now & then I like to be free.

Everyone has ambitions, I know you have them too

If I am there for you all through it

Then who will be there for me when I need it?

I don’t see you putting your life on hold for me.

You are sorry! You say

But ask yourself, are you?

Not really! Right?

I know…& you know what?

I get it

I am ready for you…while you are not.

It is fine.

I will survive!

Love Story!

*back from some time in 2011*

Been a loner too long

Life now feels like a solitary confinement

It is sad on my part

But I long for a companion

The man of my dreams

Haha, the man of my dreams!

He is no one special

And he is no one ordinary

He is just the best thing yet to happen to me

His dreams are my life

He himself will be my life

I don’t know what I would mean to him

But I would like to believe, I mean the world to him

He is just somewhere

Lost in the crowd

Trying to figure out his way to me

While I just wait here

In the corner somewhere

Waiting for him to bump into me

Look into my eyes and never turn back

Ah, nice imagination!

But I know something

God does not fantacize

He creates our fantacies

So one day, some day

When I feel miserable and am in a bad shape

He will have me dress up

Make me look beautiful but sad

And then somewhere at some place

I will fall right into the arms of the love of my life

It’s a nice story

But I know it will turn real

Some day, one day when I feel miserable

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From the movie – August Rush

The Prince & The Commoner

*written sometime in 2012*

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He was a prince

She was a commoner

He had his arrogance

She had her preconceived notions

He was strong

She was fragile

They were both trapped

Trapped in the wrath of life

He had never been responsible

Now it was time to take up responsibility

Right when he wanted it not

She had always been responsible

Now it was time she was tired

Right when she wanted to give up

Bump into each other they did

Not like a fairy tale

Only by the wrath of life

He had to put together a face

She was to provide for that face

At the first glance

They admired each other

For they were both beautiful

He was like no prince

All shimmery & proper

He was like normal

All casual & messy

She was like no commoner

All courteous & obeying as he pleased

She was like a princess

All rough & demanding

Like he for her was only a commoner

Soon the admiration died

They were too different

From what they expected

It was only contradiction from then on

Debates polluted their conversation

To win over the other

was their only motive

Until one day …

… one day they were trapped

Not by the wrath of life this time

But by the wrath of Karma

Trapped under the same roof they were

Bombs – the heavy heavy bombarding

Kept them in each others company for two whole days

It was then that they saw

Saw each other

For who they really were

They were only frustrated souls

Life had been too easy for him

Only to drop a bomb

When he was least prepared

Life had been too hard for her

Never taking the weight off her shoulders

Specially after giving several hopes

they empathised with each other

That’s how the understanding began

This was not the end

Just the beginning

A beautiful story of understanding, friendship & love.

suhaaan

Loner

*this was written long back in 2007*

Elated! Oh I am
Doleful! Yeah I am
And all through I am LONESOME

No one to hug me
No one to slap me
No one to cheer me
No one to depress me
All my life I have been LONESOME

I enjoy by myself
I mourn with myself
I think
I imagine
I write
I live in my own world
All my life I have been LONESOME

No questions
No explanations
No responsibilities
No worries
I love my life ‘coz I’m meant to be LONESOME

I do whatever I want
I eat whatever I like
I sleep whenever I feel
I do not impress
I do not regret
No monotony
That’s my life, the life that I love
The life of a LONER

No one to hear me
No one to bear me
No one to share with
No one to fight with
I am my own companion
That’s my life, the life that I love
The life of a LONER

I criticise myself
I laugh at myself
I adore myself
I detest myself
No constraints in my life
Though I love to be lonely, I don’t want to be lonely ANYMORE

Hands to HOLD ME
Shoulders to CRY ON
Eyes to UNDERSTAND ME
Arms to DIE IN
I desire everything you enjoy and I don’t

I am a LONER
I shall remain a LONER
But I don’t wish to last a LONER

All my life I have been LONESOME
I love my life ‘coz I’m meant to be LONESOME
Though I love to be lonely, I don’t want to be lonely ANYMORE

suhaaan